Songs From The Wood

from what we cannot hold the stars are made – W.S. Merwin

Dear Kitty,

It is two years now since that gorgeous summer day that you died. Two years that I’ve seen and you have not. Two years that you could have shared with me and could not. Shared the joy of Maya, the frustrations, the relentlessness, the exhaustion of parenting. Two years and not a day has gone by that I haven’t thought of you or missed you. And you will remain mine in the ways that I miss you.

Over these two years I’ve written about what you meant to me. What your loss felt like. What your loss taught me. I’ve written about your time with us. I’ve marked time in this blog, with an entry each month on that fateful day. A reader may comment that I’ve been more faithful in writing about you than I have been in writing about Maya. With Maya, I’m making new memories. With you, I’ve been a Don Quixote for two years, wrestling not just your death, but the onset of the inevitable death of much of your memories. But, I have managed cheat this other death a little by recording much of your life. Some day, Maya may read these entries and in them, find some measure of who you were.

And now, Kitty, I’m spent. All the tears, the hurt, the grief, the stories have exhausted themselves. Maybe they’re only resting a while. But your memories bring a smile to my face now, are no longer only a reminder of the wretched hole in my heart.

For the past three weeks, every morning when she wakes up, Maya points to your picture on the wall, smiles and looks at me. I say “Sweetheart, that’s Kitty” and she smiles some more and points at your picture again. In these new rituals, I take some comfort.

All day the stars watch from long ago
Kitty said I am going now
when you are alone you will be all right
whether or not you know you will know – W.S. Merwin

That fateful evening, on your last ride home, you crawled to the front seat of the car, laid a paw on my hand and rested it there till we reached home. Now I know you meant to say “when you are alone you will be all right”. Yes, Kitty, I am all right. But, if you were here …

I love you my Sirius,

Dini